Anxiety
by biggaybunny
Summary: Or, how Kobayashi learns to stop worrying so much


Today was Kobayashi's day off, no real different than any other before it. Kanna had a playdate at the Saikawa residence, so Kobayashi was debating between a nap on the couch or a nap outside in the sun. The couch was winning by virtue of taking less effort to reach. Tohru passed through the living room on her way to the front door.

"I'm going to visit Miss Lucoa," she said, right as Kobayashi began to ask, "she said she's planning a birthday party for Shouta and I should probably make sure she knows what she's doing."

"Good idea." Kobayashi replied. She started to settle on the couch.

"When will you be back?" She asked idly.

"I… don't know." Tohru replied. The pause in her reply made Kobayashi pause. Had she done something wrong? It was probably nothing. She lay down on the couch, facing its back to block out most of the light. She barely heard Tohru's footsteps on the carpet.

"Miss Kobayashi?"

"Hmm?" Kobayashi tilted her head slightly, but didn't get up.

"I will be back."

"Of course." Kobayashi shifted. "Make sure you're not too late."

She waited to hear the sounds of Tohru's footsteps retreating for the door, and the door opening and shut. No such noises came. Instead, the ruffle of Tohru's dress indicated she'd moved closer

"Are you still worried he'll come back? I promise he won't."

"What?"

She heard Tohru settle on the floor, and then felt a soft pressure against her back. Tohru was resting her head against her, as she'd done in the past. She spoke softly when she spoke again.

"At first I was happy that you worried about me. But, it's been months. You always ask me where I'm going and when I'll be back. One time I got held up at the marketplace and you came and found me, remember?"

"Kanna was getting impatient." Kobayashi mumbled. It was a lie. She knew that. She knew Tohru knew that. What she didn't know was why she was lying.

"I'm not going to go away again. No one's going to take me away." Tohru said. She made it sound like a promise just by the way she said it. Kobayashi tried to shrink away from her, but there was only so much deeper into the couch she could go.

"I know," she said, "it's probably just a little leftover anxiety. It's nothing. Sorry for bothering you."

"What's 'anxiety'?" Tohru asked after a moment's pause. Kobayashi mulled over her thoughts. If only she had chosen to nap outside. But she couldn't just shoo Tohru away.

"It's like… fear, but harder to get rid of. I guess it's like stress to. I shouldn't be surprised you haven't heard of it. Do dragons even feel fear?"

The pressure left Kobayashi's back. She couldn't hear what Tohru was doing, but a moment later the cushions beneath her depressed, sliding her towards the edge of the couch until she found her back pressed against something soft but solid. Tohru had sat down on the couch, perched between Kobayashi and the edge of the seat. She was warm, and her tail has a surprising amount of give to it.

"I don't know about all dragons. I know I do."

"Oh?" Kobayashi only asked because the silence was too uncomfortable for her to bear.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things, really. That the war back home will get worse and my father will need me. Or that the wrong dragon will find out I'm hiding here and try to bring chaos to this world. Or that I'll never be accepted by the people of this world."

"Most of all, I'm afraid of what will happen when I do lose you."

"'When'? That seems morbid." Kobayashi could feel herself retreating in to her own mind. Her own voice sounded distant to her.

"Maybe. But it's one of the reasons my father thought I was being foolish. No matter what I do, one day you'll be gone, and I'll have millions of years to live without you. I'm afraid of the day you'll be gone, and never come back. I'm afraid that I don't know when it'll happen. Or how I can go back to living without you. Maybe I do know this anxiety after all."

Kobayashi felt a gentle hand on her arm. It was the only thing that felt real to her right now. Her head felt to full to think. Full of impulses and memories and emotions. She finally pieced a few words together in a croaky voice.

"I'm not just afraid of losing you."

"Then what?"

"I think I love you."

She didn't know what reaction to expect. Expecting something specific would take more coherent thought than she could muster. But if she had expected something, it probably wouldn't have been a gentle squeeze of her arm followed by a shaky,

"You do?"

Kobayashi curled up as much as she could, staring at the back of the couch without really seeing it.

"I didn't know what to do when you were gone. It shouldn't have been hard. Kanna practically takes care of herself. I'd taken care of everything for myself before. But I just couldn't. It makes me afraid of losing you. But also of how much I've changed since I've met you. I don't know. I'm afraid I'll do something wrong, I don't know, and not be good enough. For you. That I'll hurt you. I guess I will no matter what."

"It will hurt, eventually. And the longer I stay with you, the more memories we make together, the worse it'll be when you're gone. It'd probably be best if I left before it's too late. Leave and never see you again, try to forget you."

"So why don't you?" Kobayashi asked. Tohru was stroking her shoulder now. Her touch was almost unbearable. Everything was unbearable.

"I don't know how I'll feel when you're gone. But I know I won't call those feelings regret. I could never regret the time I spend with you."

Kobayashi couldn't even attempt to say anything at this point. She wasn't the most self-aware, but she knew she didn't always deal with her emotions in the healthiest ways. They were too hard to find words for. The only thing she was sure of was her fear. It was why she'd been able to confess as much to Tohru as she had; even a confession of love was just a confession of her fears about love. Tohru's talk about moving beyond fear left her lost.

"Kobayashi, do you know why I love you?" Tohru asked, breaking the long silence. It was the first time she'd dropped the formalism that Kobayashi could remember.

"Because I saved your life that one time, right?" The question appeared simple enough to provide Kobayashi with a brief distraction.

"No. Not exactly. At first, I guess it was because you were kind to me when I needed it. It's more now. I've grown so much thanks to you, and I'm happier now, and you take such good care of me… you gave me a home, a place I really belong."

She ended with a quiet sniffle. Kobayashi could hear her wiping her face and trying to stifle her tears. A chord had been struck inside her. Slowly, stiffly, she pulled herself up to a sitting position, orthogonal to Tohru still perched on the edge but finally facing her.

"Miss K-Kobayashi?" 

Kobayashi moved slowly, putting a hand on the far side of Tohru's face, holding her in place so she could lean in and press forehead-to-forehead.

"That's," Kobayashi felt like she was in a dream, and finding her words was difficult, "Tohru, I would've said the same thing, if, I mean-"

"I understand." Tohru told her. She tilted her head slightly, comforting Kobayashi with a nuzzle of her nose. Then she just stayed there, not even an inch from Kobayashi's face. Kobayashi felt pulled in.

 _Warm_. Tohru's lips were so warm, almost too hot to be touched. Kobayashi felt like she'd been cracked open and all her emotions were spilling out of her. It explained why her arms moved on their own, pulling Tohru tight until the ruffles of her outfit tickled Kobayashi's neck. Other emotions escaped down her spine, leaving a chilling sensation in their wake. The rest spilled out across her entire body, burning her up from the inside.

She broke away from the kiss with a gasp. She could feel the heat radiating from her face. She looked up at Tohru, half-surprised to find her faring no better. Her face was as red as her dragonfire had ever been. Their eyes met for the first time this entire afternoon.

"I love you." Tohru told her. Kobayashi had heard the words before. But she'd never really _heard_ the words before. She had to wait for her heart to get out of her throat to reply.

"I love you too." It was still hard to say. It still didn't feel real. But something inside her had changed that meant she could say it. That had to mean something.

"Still afraid?" Tohru asked her. Kobayashi's breath caught. She nodded. Tohru pressed her forehead against Kobayashi's again.

"Me too."

Kobayashi hadn't expected to those words to mean as much as the ones that had come just before. But they did. Muscles relaxed that she hadn't realized she'd been tensing. She smiled a natural smile. Tohru grinned back at her in that goofy way that Kobayashi realized she'd long adored. Tohru put her hands on Kobayashi's shoulders, pushing her gently back until her head rested on the pillow she'd been using moments ago. Tohru moved to be over her, lowering herself until Kobayashi could put her arms around her.

They kissed again, not with the frantic passion of their first kiss, but with the deep satisfaction of having found someone else to trust with mind, body, and soul. Tohru took Kobayashi's glasses from her. Kobayashi guided herself by touch anyway. She kissed Tohru's lips, cheeks, neck. Tohru made the tiniest noise between each one.

It didn't all come naturally to her. It didn't need to. She trusted Tohru to guide her or tell her, and could trust Tohru to listen to her and take her lead. She immersed herself in that emotional warmth. She didn't need to worry; she didn't need to be afraid.

"I like the way you taste." Tohru told her when their lips next parted. Kobayashi made a wordless noise. She was in love, but that was still cheesy. Tohru laid down next to her, between her and the back of the couch. She pressed herself in close and made sure Kobayashi's arm was beneath her before tucking her head underneath Kobayashi's.

"You're almost spicy. And really warm." Kobayashi replied.

"Mhm." Was Tohru's only reply. Kobayashi chuckled.

"Weren't you on your way out somewhere? To help Lucoa with something?"

"She'll be fine. I want to stay here. This is where I belong."

"Right here?" Kobayashi asked coyly.

"Right here."

Kobayashi did her best to turn towards Tohru without disturbing her too much. She planted a gentle kiss on Tohru's forehead, right where her appreciatory pats usually went, earning her a contented sigh from Tohru. She settled against Tohru. As far as places to belong went, Kobayashi couldn't think of better.


End file.
